liberation as confinement

''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' ~ Pat Robertson

Some people are incredibly stupid.

Unfortunately, this exaggeration is not totally absurd. It's the stereotypical view of feminism & the mould society thus expects feminists to fit into. Women's liberation movements have been increasingly prevalent and successful in the past 40 years, however, as liberated as women are nowadays, women are still painfully confined to roles expected of them. Similarly with the homosexual rights movements (or even just societal acceptance that there will be gay people in this world *gasp!*), society is increasingly accepting of homosexuals, bisexuals, and transgenders (among other determinations across the spectrum of gender and sexuality), yet it is only insofar as the non-heterosexual fits the societal concept of what is "gay." ABC's Modern Family has been forward-moving in it's depiction of an openly gay couple, yet note that in the series entire 1 1/2 season run, the gay couple has yet to be depicted even sharing a kiss. It's depressing to realize that as forward as we think we are as a society, we're still not truly accepting of anything outside of a male-dominated society's expected roles of women, gays, children, etc.

answer me this

in today’s world i’m left increasingly disappointed

not that i’ve had any experience with prior eras

(i’d appreciate if someone would fucking invent a time machine asap)

(that’d be pretty cool, let’s be real)

but i have a few questions

like…

since when did people become so impersonal?

1 in 5 marriages today started online…

(not that I’m against online dating)

(but I thought life partners are supposed to be more cosmically planned than that)

what happened to that attitude everyone had freshman year in college

that overwhelming sense of possibility and opportunity

that swelled upon any interaction with another person

that echoing thought: “this person could be a huge part of my life”

when did that change?

and

since when did college stop catering to the student?

i busted my ass through high school

with the only light at the end of my tunnel being that

“when you get to college you’ll only have to study the things you want”

(thanks, dad)

but then what am i struggling through language, math, and science requirements for,

destroying my gpa,

when all I want to do is study literature?

what’s going on here?

the propriety of education and idleness

you know what blows? being a collegiate student athlete.

alright that sounds pretentious and entitled. but people, it's not all it's cracked up to me. sure, we have wonderful benefits (who doesn't love free nike gear, free oakley sunglass, free nike sneakers (every year), free tutoring, an extra academic advisor, free books, free healthcare & a trainer on call 24/7 for your health needs, travelling to places like california, ohio, tennessee free of charge, and an instant friend base & even the opportunity to make friends with future sport celebrities on other teams as well as your own??), and sure, i love my sport almost more than anything & can't imagine my life without it....but past that...sometimes it really suckks.

this weekend i went to visit S in harrisonburg and helllooooo meredith welcome to the real world and the real college experience. just living with him for a weekend in his apartment, with his 3 other regular-student roommates and meeting the other regular-student girls who live above him and meeting the other regular-student guys they hang out with...it was unreal. regular students literally have no reason to leave the house except to go to class. which they arent even required to do (oh yeah, as student athletes we have our classes checked every day to make sure we're attending--and if you miss one class it gets reported to your coach & punishments vary but often involve missing a practice, not being allowed to compete, or having to do extra hours of study hall or community service). I'm stressed 24/7 because i literally always have somewhere to be. On any given day my schedule is something like this:

6am: practice

930: class

11: tutoring or study hall

12: lunch

1: class

3: 20 minute nap

4: practice

630: dinner

8: study hall

10: MY ONLY FREE TIME (please note i generally fill this with episodes of teen mom, jersey shore, or moped rides about campus--oh & duh, facebook stalking)

12: sleep

not to mention the addition of field studies for my education classes...community service through athletics, athletic department mandatory dinners, career workshops, etc, and bi-weekly meetings with my academic advisor. UNREAL.

i'm truly not trying to sound ungrateful. i'm not. most days i love my lifestyle, and i absolutely loooove rowing so i would never give that up. it's just once in a while i realize how different my life is from the majority of kids my age, and how nice it would be to live as a regular student, maybe just for a week or two, with no obligations, places to be, wake up times, class skipping repurcussions, etc. freedom, just for a little bit, might be nice. i also stress that my different take on the college experience is a mistake...shouldn't i be fucking around like every other college kid? squandering my parents money to half-ass academics & get schmammered 8 days a week?

in my british lit class we're presently reading jane austen's "sense & sensibility" (ps i love that witty motherfucker--she still has people [me] laughing out loud at her snarkey-ness decades later). the passage i had to read last night included the passage in which one of the characters, edward, comments on what profession he'd like to pursue (clergy), what his mother would rather have him pursue (law, military), and what he's doing instead (endlessly studying at oxford), in which he declares that "idleness was pronounced on the whole to be the most advantageous and hounourable" and that he was "therefore entered at oxford and have been properly idle ever since."

it amazes me that even generations ago, people still considered collegiate education in the same light. idleness is a staple if not the definition of college it seems, and while i think its a much needed break from the stifled nature of childhood and adolescence, i mostly just think that society's getting it wrong. undergraduate education is taken for granted nowadays and it's truly depressing. 4 years of school is a steep price for anyone to pay for their child's education, regardless of economic status, and i feel like more often than not, kids squander it. the way i see it....i only have 5 1/2 more semesters to learn whatever i want and as much as i want free of charge (as in, thank you mom & dad for giving this truly amazing opportunity...i'm immensely grateful..really) .... i'd have to be stupid to not take full advantage of this. perhaps as an education major i place a higher value on education than most people do...but i'm okay with that. and that's why ultimately....i'm really glad i'm a collegiate student athlete. besides all the benefits (they rock) and my adoration for rowing, i love the student athlete lifestyle because it keeps me focused. i'm kept busy so fucking around isn't an option...this lifestyle requires dedication and effort in everything i do, and i love that my sport makes me inadvertently take proper advantage of a monstrously wonderful opportunity.

shout-out

because i know she loves attention & recognition & mostly because i think she's absolutely wonderful: happy birthday to katy kownacki today (& thank you for being such a fantastic & influential role model/teacher-friend for me for the past 2 (3?) years :] )

ps: 29 is definitely not old

"take your time coming home"

i think i'm finally becoming a person.

i don't know what happened, how it happened, or even exactly when. but i've been overwhelmed with this incedible sense of purpose, confidence, direction the entire time since i've come back to school (okay so maybe that answers the when).

it's amazing:

-my room is organized (i'm not a traditionally organized person)

-i'm eating healthy (i've actually cut soda & junk food out of my diet [okay except for that cupcake last night but that was an exception] & have lost six pounds since coming to school)

-i have more work to do than ever this semester but i'm handling it well & for the first time in my life i'm truly studious (i had all my homework done for the week by wednesday!)

the most exciting part is how confident i am in my future career choice.

since 7th grade i've known two things: i love English & i want to be a teacher. since 10th grade i've known two more things: i love literature & i want to be an English teacher.

but i'm kinda starting to understand why. i really love helping people. i love being the behind the scenes person who can influence a person's life. this sounds painfully cheesy and i'm sure of the 4,099876,0978765,097865875 students i'll ever have i'll maybe actually have an impact on like 1.2 of them, but the possibility is thrilling. we've just read "push" in my adolescent literature class and it's confirmed something else i strongly believe--everyone deserves a chance because you truly have no idea the truth of anyone's life.

also i really just need to express: i fucking love keats. we've read so many keats poems in the past two semesters (engl 310--thank you dr L--& engl 397 --thank you dr M) & the wonderful thing is i get it. & also that the jason segel lookalike/actalike in my brit lit class thinks i'm wonderfully brilliant so that's always a plus! :)

i'll be here awhile

sooo friday i went to the 311/offspring/pepper concert at nissan pavillion (no, i refuse to call it "jiffy lube live" ...that just sounds disturbing) & had a dandy time.

[open bracket: i apologize for my blogpost title. i'm pretty sure 311 never played that song, it's just my favorite of theirs. and by pretty sure i mean i don't recall them playing it but then again i don't remember i lot. cough. cough. close bracket]

this post will be short & sweet because i'm presently immersed in stieg larsson's "the girl who played with fire" (i seriously can't put it down) but felt obligated to post a more uplifting blog entry (apologies for the recent bummer posts, people, i'll pep it up i promise!)

but basically i just need to report:

-i crowd surfed for the first time

&

this resulted in two things:

1) i lost my sick sunglasses i just bought at charming charlie's. i'm quite distressed.

2) i almost died. but seriously, i was dropped on my head, i'm really astounded i survived.

-we got into the pit fo free. that's right. snuck our way in. sweet-talked the gate guards. etc. i have the wristband to prove it. FTW

-a man who is a legitimate felon tried to pick me up with the following pick-up line:

"hey girl. i just got out of prison & was really upset about it....til i saw you."

WHAT ?? NO WAY DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN

except it did. tops the list of fantastically absurd pick-up lines. end of story.

- 311 really wasn't that great. i missed pepper. but the offspring was fantasmic. i'd see them again & again & again

so....i had an amazing friday :)

funkytown

i really need to get out of this funk.

i'm gonna try this whole thing where if something isn't making me happy it's gone--peaaace.

confessions

i blame everything going wrong/that makes me unhappy (and i'm pretty fucking unhappy) in my life on the fact that i didn't get in virginia. if i were a student there, i'd be happier for multiple reasons: i might feel more valuable and indispensable to S, i'd be doing better in rowing, i'd have closer friendships, i'd be closer to home, my family would like me better and be more proud of me, my grandparents would probably like me better, i'd have higher self-esteem, i'd be more successful in life etc, etc. i can't get it out of my head. i'm obsessed with uva. i'm desperate to go there and be a part of that collegiate community. it's sick. sorry.

a total eclipse of the heart

this evening (morning?) at midnight marked the premiere of the third film installment of the twilight saga: eclipse. naturally, i was one of the twelve million tweens, sorry, "fans," who attended the midnight showing (in my defense i took my 12 year old sister, Lydz, as well).

at the beginning of the previews, the movie theater's manager came in and informed all of us in the theater that, if we were found texting during the show, they would come over and ask us to leave, and if we refused to leave, they would bring police into the theater to force us to leave.

it was a bit extreme if you ask me (although i was tempted to be THAT girl who gets forcibly removed from the twilight show by cops), but i adhered to the rules, which, unfortunately, disallowed me from tweeting my usual commentary to accompany the film.

in lieu of this disability, i made mental tweet notes in my head throughout the movie and have decided to compile them all into one blogpost

so, alas,

twilight: a movie review

the bad news is: kristin stewart still sucks.

seriously, does she try to look shittier in each scene or is that just my drowsiness?

the good news is: rpatz is as dashing as ever & still manages to portray ridiculously well that insane hunger for bella's blood (it's creepy but well done)

don't fret!

- taylor lautner still has uncomfortably/awkwardly small nipples

- kristin stewart still sucks

- there is still a collective grunt from the audience the first scene taylor lautner is shirtless

- the cullens are still sexy as ever

- the soundtrack is still fantastic

other comments:

i almost exploded in the opening scene when riley (newborn created by victoria to destroy the cullens), in pre-vampire state, stepped out of a building. why? because for a fleeting moment, i thought hunter parrish was onscreen. *droool*

i'm still a big fan of this field. seriously, favorite setting in all the twilight films is this bombass field. it's frickin' gorgeous.

since when does killing vampires equate to smashing glass? a vampire gets punched in the head and their head and neck just shatter. apparently killing newborn vampires requires the same skills readily handy in a drunken college freshman. angrily & drunkenly smashing windows = smashing vampire heads---you say potato, i say potato.

CHARLIE....YOU'RE A DILF. you, sir, may escort me out of the movie theater forcibly for texting ANY day

as dashingly handsome as the cullen coven is, are the fashionable biker jackets really necessary during battle?

dakota fanning. baby girl crush. awesome again as jane. 'nuff said.

all in all the film was pretty good--definitely better than the first two twilight films, but still annoyingly stupid (seriously...they should just cut the sex-y scenes out...they were too awkwardly done, i actually burst out laughing in the theater). i have yet to really derive any morals from the twilight series, except for maybe the following:

first, no pre-marital sex! if edward doesn't do it, than you shouldn't either!

and finally,

never trust a ginger.

the end of an era

the beginning of the end.

it's here. part 1 of harry potter and the deathly hallows is a mere 4 1/2 months away

and it leaves me surprisingly (or not so much) emotional

[please note: the warner bros release of the new deathly hallows trailer today warrants this sort of emotion and this sort of blogpost--ya hear that? it's justified, people.]

i don't know what to do.

obviously i am thrilled to see the films and expect they'll be just as spectacular as the rest have been, but, but....

what can be said about the end of characters (& a cast) i was raised on???

[oh hayy cuties. nice chest hair, daniel. emma, i forgive you for your six-head. rupert you're a ginger but i love you anyway--you should consider yourself very lucky.]

[side note: emma watson is presently a rising sophomore at brown university. the thrilling part of this is that she walked onto the rowing team at brown as a freshman & actually began training as a coxswain. unfortunately she quit early on but, I WAS SO CLOSE TO POTENTIALLY COXING NEXT TO EMMA WATSON IN AN NCAA RACE]

from age 7 to 16 (MY CHILDHOOD) the harry potter books were my world. a new one was released every few summers for me to guzzle down in a day (& sometimes late night) of fervent reading, and from age 10-20 the films will continue that thrilling saga for me.

but what happens when that saga comes to an end? when there is no more sense of comfort & anticipation for the next book or movie or even movie trailer??

all i can glean from this is that....come july 2011....i think i'll finally have to grow up. the end of harry potter = the end of an era.

college visits

similar to how i thought i was done with college applications for lyfe (undergrad that is) senior year (i was wrong), i also thought that the summer before my senior year would be the end of my prospective college scope-outs (please just read that as touring colleges).

make that wrong again (life: 400, 345, 412 meredith: approx. 1.3, for those of you keeping score at home)

i should've known that two summers after analyzing the campuses of skidmore (didn't apply), cornell (didn't apply), colgate (didn't apply), hamilton (didn't get in), dickinson (didn't apply), & bucknell (waitlisted), i'd be back in the game, this time taking kathy around new york and new jersey. this weekend we quick zipped up to suny-purchase & drove through rutgers in an overnight trip.

(side note: this post isn't about kathy, it's about me. typical.)

i found myself not viewing the schools holistically, and from the eyes of kathy, as i should've, ad rather as though i were a young blossoming seventeen year old on the brink of collegiate livelihood.

i hated suny-purchase.

i loved rutgers.

um, hi, life? thanks for letting me know what i wanted in college a year AFTER i'd applied places.

touring these schools made me realize something i didn't know this time last year, or this time the previous year...or ever until now.

i actually like big state schools.

i made so many mistakes in my college application/decision process...i was obsessed with small liberal arts schools in the north. turns out i really like big state schools ...anywhere.

driving around rutgers made me wonder why the hell i didn't apply to rutgers, and moreso, why the hell i didn't even look at the damn school. i could say the same about virginia tech, jmu, uf, and a million other schools.

i was so damn blinded by uva that i didnt even consider any other options. it's kind of psychotic. i still don't understand why seventeen year olds are left with so many big decisions when they clearly have no idea what they want.

luckily for me, life is a pro at proving me wrong and putting me right where i want to be (kind of).

marshall jones, acting director at rutgers said today "sometimes you don't get into the things you want to...but it's O.KAY. you end up where you're supposed to be anyway. and you're fine. and you realize you love it and can't imagine yourself anywhere else"

to which i nudged kathy and nodded

hi, i am the prime example of the misguided kid who ended up precisely where she should and likes to be. thanks life for lucking me into clemson.

....although i still wouldn't mind a virginia acceptance ;)

the lexophiliac's musical poetry

when i was in elementary school i was what the kids call a "smartypants" and was chosen for the all elite & highly selective "gifted & talented" class. in g.t. one afternoon i recall an exercise our teacher had us do. we each had a large piece of construction paper and a pencil. she put on a classical piece and told us to draw what the music made us think of. i really enjoyed this exercise and kept the drawing for years that depicted a story i thought the music told me (something involving an antebellum beagle).

i recently (as in ten minutes ago) decided to express music through nondescriptive language and test a stream of consciousness (like legitimate falling to the sound) of what i think during a song.

the result?

the lexophiliac's musical poetry

[1901--Phoenix]

tambourine bell cactus echoe and buzz

vibrate tongues hydrate

beak song vocal purse waterfall out

lie down you know we teasin

lay down reflecting pool eye

ring of cartoon pine

president 1901 rapunzel tower

20 seconds

tumble fire escape photography

fern bullfrog bounce

repeat x guitar wince

triple wince tumble then out with sheer ice cuts whispered with magenta

American History X

You have to ask the right questions.
Has anything you've done made your life better?

things i love past midnight [2]

these summer nights, being as i'm still on my collegelyfe sleep schedule, i tend to stay up far past the bedtimes of the rest of the household. hence the second installment in my series of posts entitled "things i love past midnight"... :

1. phoenix

no, not the city (although i do love the city--having spent 3 years of my childhood there), but the band silly! i've had their "wolfgang amadeus phoenix" album on repeat for the past 2 1/2 hours.

yuuuummmmyy

2. tuneglue.com

please click the link. it's this sick website that makes maps of music. type in a band you love and it will give you the band's musical "relatives"....great for discovering new musiqa :)

♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩♫♪♬♩

3. peacocks

they just look cool as fuck.

and so blue! i don't know why but i'm always mesmerized when things are truly, naturally blue...how does nature DO that??

4. j.d. salinger's "the catcher in the rye"

i know, i've committed some sort of crime against literature by being an english major who has yet to read about holden. but fact: i have never read the catcher in the rye. until this morning! yes, people, i have finally begun this famed and esteemed novel. and i'm lovvviinnngg itt

5. water

don't get me started...but i am obsessed with water. on my mental list of my top favorite things ever, i'd have to say water tops it.

6. stumbleupon

i am a stumbling fiend. what else am i supposed to do with my time all summer?

may laundry:

as a continuation of the prior laundry list of life...

11. learn to drive stick shift

a) it's a convenient skill to have

b) i could probably buy cheaper cars if i knew how to drive stick

c) i have this idealism regarding people who can drive stick...i don't know...it glorifies them in my mind and i wouldn't mind glorifying myself in that sense

12. publish a novel

currently i'm working with 1. Eliot 2. Marlyn & 3. Addie

can't decide (and couldn't tell you) who will prevail...

13. have a harry potter movie marathon day

this obviously requires that all the films be available on dvd...but whence they are...i want to sit down and watch all 8 in one sitting

14. volunteer in africa

volunteerism in africa is arguably responsible for my existence.

my parents met on a summer mission trip to kenya in college and well...now i'm here. as i mentioned in a previous post...my friend emclev is headed to tanzania for 2 years to volunteer in an orphanage. despite my overwhelming fear of disease (and we all know africa is full of 'em) as well as a specific potentially irrational fear of the ebola virus, i really want to one day ship myself off to africa and do some volunteer work for the betterment of the lives of others

15. eat at in-n-out burger

i finally mastered the legendary trip to whitecastle in october, now i move on to my next goal: the esteemed and seemingly mythical (for us east coast kids) in-n-out burger

you're all i need / don't make me face my generation alone

if you know me at all, you know my favorite band is the format.

imagine my ultimate devastation when they broke up (gah! heartbreak!)

but alas, a project in the works since 2008, and having released their first album this past august, has arisen-- FUN.!

that's right people, nate ruess, lead singer of the format, is back with his new band fun.

i. am. ecstatic.

alright, admittedly i was skeptical at first. having been obsessed with the format since my freshman year in high school, it was hard to imagine anything could match it's greatness, especially in a the format knockoff in which nate seems to mimic mika for many of the albums upbeat songs.

but then i downloaded the album ( aim & ignite) and listened to it on repeat for 2 days.

i. love. it.

the lyrics are equally fantastic, applicable to my life, and just generally amazing and awe-inspiring, in a way that only nate ruess can fashion. further, the emotional progression and religious undertones throughout the course of the album make for a fantastic musical experience...that i highly encourage anyone, the format fans or not alike to investigate.

and as blasphemous as it sounds, admittedly, i think fun.'s new album is, well, simply more fun.

trust

trust (n.) [as defined by urban dictionary]:

a) hard won, easily lost, and never fully regained

I used to trust my wife, we had been married for 20 years, then one day I came home and she was fucking the mailman, since I can't trust her anymore she has to wear a tracking device at all time

b) Putting your confidence in someone forming a bond with him or her and knowing that you can rely on them for anything.

We were so close I felt I could put my trust in you.

c) means that you are weak and can't just think what you want. no one in this world is trustworthy. Trusting someone is pretty much telling them that they can do whatever they want and you will not question them.

GUY: "Babe, you don't trust me?"
GIRL: "Yes I do. I trust you with all of my heart."

Now he can cheat on her and keep saying "you trust me, i wouldn't do that to you."

number 3 is my personal favorite in light of recent events, eh?

trust.

it's a tricky concept and i didn't really fully get it until recently. my mom stopped trusting me two years ago and it has really sucked since then. our relationship is always strained and no matter what i do she questions every one of my actions. and i honestly don't ever think she'll trust me again which is one of the most depressing things i could imagine.

well. the sad thing is now i kind of understand how she feels. happy mother's day, mom.

mrs. bland

dear blogosphere,

a) apologies for using such a blogger term (blogosphere...i sound way too absorbed in this lifestyle)

b) i have a confession. i live a very boring life. specifically when at home. i eat, sleep, shower, work, workout, sleep, sit on facebook. unfortunately, that does not leave me with really anything to blog about. so, apologies for the lack of blogposts recently and in the future, and apologies for the boringness of such blogposts now, and in the future

c) L had a substitute teacher the other day named mrs. bland. i said to her, when L was complaining about how awful mrs. bland was, "her name was mrs. bland?"

L nodded assuredly and replied "yeah, her maiden name was ms. BORING"

...i seriously have the most awesome 12 year old sister ever...

i'm sticking with you

go tigers!

reflections

i am done with freshman year

what? where the hell did THAT time go??

this morning, as i was sitting at the bar (please note i am not a raging alcoholic, we merely have a bar in our apartment where i do i lot of my work in the mornings. don't worry about me, i don't have my champagne with my breakfast) writing my final exam essay for my ethnic literature course, the maintenance men knocked on our door (actually scared the shit out of me, i literally fell off my chair and went sprinting to the bathroom) and came in to remove our broken stove and replace it with a new one. i had a moment of shock here....here i was, sitting at the bar in late april, watching a stove that was broken in probably october finally get replaced. what?? it seemed like just last weekend V drunkenly fell into the stove and shattered the glass door, then jumped up and continued making margaritas because she hadn't even noticed she'd broken it (admittedly very amusing occurence by the way).

regardless, the maintenance men incidentally kinda put time in perspective for me and i got a little freaked out...i am a quarter of the way through with my undergrad education...wtf?? is this how fast life goes, people? it's terrifying.

it begs the necessary questions...what am i doing? why the hell have i wasted my time? am i wasting my time??

i'm trudging through typical college life...classes, friends, studying, partying...typical. its all to achieve an end of course...3 years from now i'll be peacing out with a diploma that says i'm certified and educated enough to go teach some high school kids english. but does that seem inspired enough?

my friend emclev this morning posted a note on facebook that announced she was dropping out of school for two years to volunteer in an orphanage in tanzania. emclev is 20. and. she. is. awesome. the note addressed all the questions people who think her decision is absurd ask: but most primarily--what about your education?

emclev's answer?

"I’ve grown up with the social expectation that I will go to college, get a degree, get a job, get rich, marry a rich handsome dude, have kids, retire, and die, in that order. Now I realize that at some point, I want kids, so a husband is probably going to have to come into the picture at some point. And kids are expensive, so I’ll probably need a job. Which will probably require a degree. That all makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is the train of thought that says taking one or two years off to get edumacated in hardcoreawesomeness in Africa is going to ruin all of that. I am twenty years old, not ninety. I have plenty of time to get my degree. So why not get it now, you say? Why not leave Africa til later, you say? Well, I’ve learned from several friends/teachers/personal experiences that now is the time in my life where a smidgen of selfishness is okay. So, I’m gonna be selfish with how I spend my time. Education in the formal sense hasn’t served me well in the conventional sense of success so far- or maybe I haven't served it well. I came, I saw, I attempted, I got bored and lost motivation, and I think a change of scenery/perspective is exactly what I need. This school isn’t going anywhere. To be fair, neither is Africa, but in all seriousness, this is what I feel the pull to do at the moment. It is a passionate decision that has been brewing for almost a year now- who am I to argue with such a headstrong passion? I don’t want to spend my time soaking in monotony and waiting to get out so I can chase this dream, when it is feasible that my formal education can wait until later when I truly deserve to be here."

i'm not trying to say i want to drop everything and run off the africa.

...

actually, i do, but i'm not the ballsy inspiring type to actually go through with it. multiple times throughout the semester i've wondered if maybe i should take a year off and do something amazing, just because college doesn't always seem to cut it for me. i'm too eager to get into the world that i'm not enthused about the work it takes to get there. how the hell do i remedy this without wasting another year of time? basically thats whats plagueing me this morning, as i recall all the events of the past year, and reflect on how, unfortunately, yet again, i just haven't done enough.

this weekend, an opportunity i've been hoping for for years may or may not present itself. i hope it does and i hope i get the opportunity to choose whether to take it or not.

i'll keep you posted

:)

in the meantime, thank you freshman year...it's been good

things i love past midnight

1. rollercoasters

i have not been on a rollercoaster since junior year in high school. and i cannot wait to go again (hopefully this summer). dancing to "all i do is win" (dj khaled) which involves a lot of "hands in the ayer" and "up, down, up, down, up, down," made me remember what riding rollercoasters feels like. further, rollercoaster road just isn't cutting it anymore.

2. rocking chairs

we've taken to sitting outside our apartment in the collapsible chairs and doing homework, playing music, and just chatting. it's amazingly relaxing (i'm sitting out here right now), especially at night when the weather is perfect. the only thing that would make this scenario more perfect would be a rocking chair.

there is nothing more delightfully relaxing than sitting on a porch in a rocking chair.

for example, the only reason i like cracker barrell is because when we're waiting to be seated i get to enjoy the rocking chairs.

3. sam adams

i. am. obsessed.

i bought his album boston's boy a few weeks ago and it has been on repeat in my itunes ever since. [how can you NOT love a song that includes a mashup of annie lennox's "walking on broken glass" ???? {driving me crazy--sam adams}] the awesome music of sam adams has been just enhancing the scenario i described in #2 (makes up for the lack of rocking chairs, eh?)

hipsters

i recently have become obsessed with hipsters.

not in a crazy way...i don't want to be a hipster...i'm just perpetually amused by the concept of hipsters.

a personal favorite website that cracks me up daily: look at this fucking hipster, is a "people of wal-mart" type website where people send in pics of hipsters they see and create little captions for them. it makes me laugh so hard.

further, regular people of the world have been increasingly aware of hipsters...as they have frequently made the news. check this article out. the caption up top is presently honored in my facebook status...just because it is both hilarious and amusingly true.

[ps: everyone should tweet. i think one of the reasons i love hipsters is because they tweet]

more support for my hipster love: i loved matt & kim before, but once i read online that "matt & kim make the hipsters sweaty" i loved them even more.

in retrospect (aka rereading before clicking "publish") this is a fairly convoluted post. i dont know how to clear this up...just appreciate the humour surrounding the concept of hipsters. seriously. just do it.

and someone tell me to get off blogger and go write a paper on othello.

summer playlist

with school ending in two weeks, i've been getting started on my (first of many) summer playlist(s).

how do i describe what this playlist has to enact and invoke?

breaking into neighborhood swimming pools and swimming by moonlight

driving down the dark, narrow, winding roads of clifton

sitting by hidden creeks

the secret waterfall

midnight swimming in the river

sitting on the curb and people-watching at 7-11 while enjoying 48 oz. slurpees

smoking black & milds by the lake

sprinting up and down marvell in the rain

playing football in the street

exploring real-estate/neighborhoods

...and so much more.

thus far the 3 songs i have determined qualify for this playlist are:

daylight - matt & kim

pursuit of happiness - kid cudi

a-punk - vampire weekend (will tide me over til grubbs burns me a copy of contra)

young forever - jay-z

(please note i've been evaluating songs for worthiness for the past several weeks)

♪♫♩♬ any suggestions are welcome ♬♩♫♪

the shower series

i think this is pretty amazing

if you're too lazy to click my link and read it--basically it's this person who wanted to photograph people in the shower (not as dirty as it seems) as a photography project in order to capture in pictures the "sensory overload," the "texture, the drama, the undeniable sexuality, the relief" that takes place when one hops in the shower. the results [photos] are pretty awesome...and what resulted from the interaction between the photographer and photographed in such an intimate place was pretty awesome too.

7s

i really had to post a second post tonight.

why?

i hate the number 7.

but i love the word seven.

it's complicated. but it's one of those OCD traits i have.

i'm gonna blame my grandmother for this one, because when i was young, and K and i used to spend countless summer hours at our grandparents house playing uno with them at the kitchen table [and drinking endless amounts of sprite, and eating endless amounts of bugles--totally underrated snack by the way], i once laid down a 7 in uno, and exclaimed something like "yeah! 7!" because a friend of mine's favorite number was 7 and, [at the age of 7 probably] i was easily influenced by the likes and dislikes of my friends at that age. my grandmother for some reason took excessive offense to my exclamation and instead instructed me that 7s were terrible numbers, and that 13 was the lucky number [i was so foolish back then--i thought it was the other way around!].

so ever since then i cannot stand 7s.

for example, when putting ice cubes in my drinks [sidenote: i love ice cubes. as in, i like my cup almost full of ice cubes before putting the drink in it--i think i get jipped (sp?) at fast food restaurants in this respect]. at home, the size of our glasses allow for precisely 9 ice cubes. now when it comes to my ice cubes, i don't really like to use even numbers of ice cubes either. so, when filling up my glass with ice cubes, that leaves me 2 options: 5 ice cubes, or 9 ice cubes, because i don't like even numbers of ice cubes, i need the cup at least half full of ice cubes, and if i have 7 ice cubes, i will and have refused to drink my drink.

the great "however" here is that, as a lexophiliac, i really like the word seven, how it feels when is say it, and the aesthetics of the word as text as well. i hate 7 as a quantity, but love it as a word...

anyway, the point i'm really trying to make here, is that i cannot CANNOT have a quantity of 7s....it truly makes me squeamy and uncomfortable, and as the previous blogpost was my 7th post in the month of april, i had to throw in an eighth so that i can actually sleep tonight.

to be laundered:

in the spirit of glee [irrelevant, and actually a totally unrelated correlation through which to direct my post, i just couldn't help but name drop in this post--speaking of--tonight's episode was delightful...but not nearly enough kurt!], i felt the desire to list a couple of the things i really need to do with my life, well before death, but ideally before i age beyond comfortable recognition.

1. actually learn the single ladies dance.

the youtube video i have out there presently is embarassing. 10 points to the person who can find it. 10 more points if you can recite one of the comments left by creepers on the video [hint: my spandex leotard is a common theme...] beyonce don't hate me...i didn't mean to blaspheme you

2. learn to use photoshop

i've come to terms with the fact that V won't be around forever to photoshop pictures for me at my each and every whim. speaking of, the most recent project...

photoshopping me into the cali trip!

3. become photogenic

i think this is a trait you're born with, but i like to pretend it's an acquirable trait...like...that i could train for [humour me, people]

4. compete in a speed texting competition

i've been told i have particularly fast fingers on the cellular keyboard and i'd like to put these proposed skills to the test

5. solve a rubik's cube [by myself]

with these sort of things i usually let myself cheat and play off like i did it myself to make me sound like a great puzzle-solver and mathematical thinker [i don't know why i try to do this--i think it's hopelessly obvious to people that math isn't my strongsuit...or my any suit...when it comes to mathematics i may as well run naked]

6. roadtrip by myself

the number one reason this is a great idea is that it a) eliminates the need to take photos everywhere you go [no one to take them of you, especially if you are not inclined to approach random bystanders everywhere you go] & b) eliminates the inevitable awkward one-person-standing-in-front-of-something photos that come inherent with a two person road trip of the same types of people who are disinclined to approach random bystanders everywhere they go & c) while i'm not a particular kirsten dunst fan, i did like her in the film elizabethtown, and in that film, her character insisted that everyone has to take a roadtrip by themselves at some point in their lives & d) if i want to get cheesy and try to make this point have a purpose, i could say a solo roadtrip could be beneficial in "finding one's true self" [i actually gagged when i typed that it was so cheesy]

7. steal a streetsign with a cool name

stealing streetsigns is too easy. finding one with a cool name [and by cool i mean relevant to my life or a really unique word or name or something] is a true challenge

8. acquire more than 60 blog followers

i think to get this i might have to actually start blogging about something interesting

9. draft a true bucket list

work in progress...

10. explore clemson's underground tunnels

[saving that for post-graduation]

[they're actually really tight: read about them here]

i'll leave it at ten for now. more to come?

"the unbearable idea of other minds"

i got into an argument today with B over whether it was lame of me or not to blog and/or read blogs. which really got me thinking....why do i blog/ love reading others' blogs??

B argued that it was stupid of me to a) write about my life and expect people to care [to clarify i do not expect anyone to care--i write my blogposts as a primarily therapeutic function--if you do so happen to care or find my life and musings interesting, then that's an added delight!] and b) to read other people's blogs. our argument continued as follows

B: "the blogosphere [my word, not hers--i substituted it it in for clarity] is just a network of lame people writing about every stupid aspect of their life--no one cares!"

M: "then what the hell is facebook?"

B: "stupid too!"

M: "ok so you spend time on facebook i spend time blogging--what's the difference?"

B: "facebook isn't paragraphs of people's stupid stories about their lives. i don't go reading too much about some random person's life"

M: "what the hell is a status update? and what do you mean--you stalk wall-to-walls dont you?"

B: "okay i'm done i'm not gonna argue about blogging"

...and that's how it ended.

the argument was cut short by B's endearing irritability,

but my thoughts were not.

i beg to differ, B. i find blogs fascinating. i revel in the incredibility [incredible-ness?] that is the individual. i am perpetually astounded by the fact that no one person knows anything about any other person--how they think, exactly everything they've been through, experienced, said, heard, done. it's AMAZING.

one of my favorite quotes from mcewan's "atonement" says it in a way i wish i could:

"Was everyone else really as alive as she was?… Was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody, including her father, Betty, Hardman? If the answer was yes, then the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone’s thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone’s claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance."

i drown in irrelevance daily. but i don't see it as a bad thing. i am irrelevant--in the big scheme of things. but instead of being destroyed by the prospect of other minds--of just as vivid affairs as meredith-- i take the opportunity to engage in the other minds, appreciate them, marvel at them--that's why i read blogs. and that is why i blog, in the hopes that my mind might prove as equally fascinating to others, as theirs do to me.

mine

the title says it all.

on truth and lies

i want to master words.

such an impossible feat.

rereading nietzsche. it's delightful.

trying to find productive or creative outlets tonight:

-ironing

-cleaning

-homework

-laundry

-paperwork (summer job)

anything else?

anything to distract my mind right now.

other bitches just front

i'm obsessed with ffffound....it satisfies my craving for visual delights

exclusive photo sharing...what a brilliant idea

(i have a weird obsession with ampersand images)

welcome to cheraw

cheraw, south carolina, that is.

with the team away competing in virginia (don't get me started on my thoughts about that whole situation...) i agreed to go home with a teammate for easter weekend. this teammate, who, for the purpose of this post we shall call carrot, is from cheraw, sc......a southern town in the middle of nowhere (or "bum fucking egypt" as it was referred to as we drove into town). carrot "proudly" declared that cheraw was the only town sherman didn't burn down because he thought it was "the prettiest town in dixie" which i actually found to be a pretty cute fact. and surprisingly true.

now those who know me may understand my utter detestion (i dont care if thats a word or not) of the south...but cheraw is absolutely adorable. and i'm also a sucker for historical settings. for example, the cemetaries in cheraw hosting the bodies of reverends from civil war eras, and the building in the middle of town that is now a town hall building or something of the sort, but was originally the slave auction building. or the beautiful southern-style mini-mansion that still has a tunnel intact inside it that was used in the underground railroad.

The Lafayette House

cheraw, while almost depressingly small, is however about 2 hours from any carolina attraction you could think of--charlotte, raliegh, myrtle beach, charleston, columbia....all about 2 hours from cheraw. soooo while enjoying my lazy saturday in this quaint southern town...we also have multiple delightful travel options

further, carrot's very nice and accomodating family are all for including myself, and my other visiting friend, Li, in their easter festivities...which include dye-ing easter eggs and making a bunny cake..can't wait :)

spontenaity

it is moments such as these, that i wonder what my life would be like, were i a normal college student and not a student athlete. with the team in va right now, we have no practices, which means infinite amounts of time for me to do nothing....and associate with people not on my team. already in just 6 hours i've hung with soccer, rowing (remnants), and track kids....and it's shocking how stunningly social i can be when left to my own devices...

i made a checklist this morning--a list of 18 things i wanted to accomplish this weekend, from cleaning my desk (IT WAS A MESS), to cleaning my room, laundry, homework, and paperwork for my summer job. with no practice, i was strangely productive, and accomplished 10 of the 18 tasks--just in one afternoon!

so productice and delightful.

also, please don't mind the title of this post

...it was spontaneous :)

"My life is an awkward visit from the kid's table while awaiting a History Channel special"

--chris colfer.

debatably my favorite actor on one of my favorite shows ...

GLEE!!!

...

as kurt, the flamboyant, high-pitched, defying-gravity-singer whom i adore!

(just one of maaaannnnnyyy lovable characters on the show)

which brings me to the true topic of my post...

GLEE COMES BACK APRIL 13TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously.....could i love this show any more???