reflections

i am done with freshman year

what? where the hell did THAT time go??

this morning, as i was sitting at the bar (please note i am not a raging alcoholic, we merely have a bar in our apartment where i do i lot of my work in the mornings. don't worry about me, i don't have my champagne with my breakfast) writing my final exam essay for my ethnic literature course, the maintenance men knocked on our door (actually scared the shit out of me, i literally fell off my chair and went sprinting to the bathroom) and came in to remove our broken stove and replace it with a new one. i had a moment of shock here....here i was, sitting at the bar in late april, watching a stove that was broken in probably october finally get replaced. what?? it seemed like just last weekend V drunkenly fell into the stove and shattered the glass door, then jumped up and continued making margaritas because she hadn't even noticed she'd broken it (admittedly very amusing occurence by the way).

regardless, the maintenance men incidentally kinda put time in perspective for me and i got a little freaked out...i am a quarter of the way through with my undergrad education...wtf?? is this how fast life goes, people? it's terrifying.

it begs the necessary questions...what am i doing? why the hell have i wasted my time? am i wasting my time??

i'm trudging through typical college life...classes, friends, studying, partying...typical. its all to achieve an end of course...3 years from now i'll be peacing out with a diploma that says i'm certified and educated enough to go teach some high school kids english. but does that seem inspired enough?

my friend emclev this morning posted a note on facebook that announced she was dropping out of school for two years to volunteer in an orphanage in tanzania. emclev is 20. and. she. is. awesome. the note addressed all the questions people who think her decision is absurd ask: but most primarily--what about your education?

emclev's answer?

"I’ve grown up with the social expectation that I will go to college, get a degree, get a job, get rich, marry a rich handsome dude, have kids, retire, and die, in that order. Now I realize that at some point, I want kids, so a husband is probably going to have to come into the picture at some point. And kids are expensive, so I’ll probably need a job. Which will probably require a degree. That all makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is the train of thought that says taking one or two years off to get edumacated in hardcoreawesomeness in Africa is going to ruin all of that. I am twenty years old, not ninety. I have plenty of time to get my degree. So why not get it now, you say? Why not leave Africa til later, you say? Well, I’ve learned from several friends/teachers/personal experiences that now is the time in my life where a smidgen of selfishness is okay. So, I’m gonna be selfish with how I spend my time. Education in the formal sense hasn’t served me well in the conventional sense of success so far- or maybe I haven't served it well. I came, I saw, I attempted, I got bored and lost motivation, and I think a change of scenery/perspective is exactly what I need. This school isn’t going anywhere. To be fair, neither is Africa, but in all seriousness, this is what I feel the pull to do at the moment. It is a passionate decision that has been brewing for almost a year now- who am I to argue with such a headstrong passion? I don’t want to spend my time soaking in monotony and waiting to get out so I can chase this dream, when it is feasible that my formal education can wait until later when I truly deserve to be here."

i'm not trying to say i want to drop everything and run off the africa.

...

actually, i do, but i'm not the ballsy inspiring type to actually go through with it. multiple times throughout the semester i've wondered if maybe i should take a year off and do something amazing, just because college doesn't always seem to cut it for me. i'm too eager to get into the world that i'm not enthused about the work it takes to get there. how the hell do i remedy this without wasting another year of time? basically thats whats plagueing me this morning, as i recall all the events of the past year, and reflect on how, unfortunately, yet again, i just haven't done enough.

this weekend, an opportunity i've been hoping for for years may or may not present itself. i hope it does and i hope i get the opportunity to choose whether to take it or not.

i'll keep you posted

:)

in the meantime, thank you freshman year...it's been good

things i love past midnight

1. rollercoasters

i have not been on a rollercoaster since junior year in high school. and i cannot wait to go again (hopefully this summer). dancing to "all i do is win" (dj khaled) which involves a lot of "hands in the ayer" and "up, down, up, down, up, down," made me remember what riding rollercoasters feels like. further, rollercoaster road just isn't cutting it anymore.

2. rocking chairs

we've taken to sitting outside our apartment in the collapsible chairs and doing homework, playing music, and just chatting. it's amazingly relaxing (i'm sitting out here right now), especially at night when the weather is perfect. the only thing that would make this scenario more perfect would be a rocking chair.

there is nothing more delightfully relaxing than sitting on a porch in a rocking chair.

for example, the only reason i like cracker barrell is because when we're waiting to be seated i get to enjoy the rocking chairs.

3. sam adams

i. am. obsessed.

i bought his album boston's boy a few weeks ago and it has been on repeat in my itunes ever since. [how can you NOT love a song that includes a mashup of annie lennox's "walking on broken glass" ???? {driving me crazy--sam adams}] the awesome music of sam adams has been just enhancing the scenario i described in #2 (makes up for the lack of rocking chairs, eh?)

hipsters

i recently have become obsessed with hipsters.

not in a crazy way...i don't want to be a hipster...i'm just perpetually amused by the concept of hipsters.

a personal favorite website that cracks me up daily: look at this fucking hipster, is a "people of wal-mart" type website where people send in pics of hipsters they see and create little captions for them. it makes me laugh so hard.

further, regular people of the world have been increasingly aware of hipsters...as they have frequently made the news. check this article out. the caption up top is presently honored in my facebook status...just because it is both hilarious and amusingly true.

[ps: everyone should tweet. i think one of the reasons i love hipsters is because they tweet]

more support for my hipster love: i loved matt & kim before, but once i read online that "matt & kim make the hipsters sweaty" i loved them even more.

in retrospect (aka rereading before clicking "publish") this is a fairly convoluted post. i dont know how to clear this up...just appreciate the humour surrounding the concept of hipsters. seriously. just do it.

and someone tell me to get off blogger and go write a paper on othello.

summer playlist

with school ending in two weeks, i've been getting started on my (first of many) summer playlist(s).

how do i describe what this playlist has to enact and invoke?

breaking into neighborhood swimming pools and swimming by moonlight

driving down the dark, narrow, winding roads of clifton

sitting by hidden creeks

the secret waterfall

midnight swimming in the river

sitting on the curb and people-watching at 7-11 while enjoying 48 oz. slurpees

smoking black & milds by the lake

sprinting up and down marvell in the rain

playing football in the street

exploring real-estate/neighborhoods

...and so much more.

thus far the 3 songs i have determined qualify for this playlist are:

daylight - matt & kim

pursuit of happiness - kid cudi

a-punk - vampire weekend (will tide me over til grubbs burns me a copy of contra)

young forever - jay-z

(please note i've been evaluating songs for worthiness for the past several weeks)

♪♫♩♬ any suggestions are welcome ♬♩♫♪

the shower series

i think this is pretty amazing

if you're too lazy to click my link and read it--basically it's this person who wanted to photograph people in the shower (not as dirty as it seems) as a photography project in order to capture in pictures the "sensory overload," the "texture, the drama, the undeniable sexuality, the relief" that takes place when one hops in the shower. the results [photos] are pretty awesome...and what resulted from the interaction between the photographer and photographed in such an intimate place was pretty awesome too.

7s

i really had to post a second post tonight.

why?

i hate the number 7.

but i love the word seven.

it's complicated. but it's one of those OCD traits i have.

i'm gonna blame my grandmother for this one, because when i was young, and K and i used to spend countless summer hours at our grandparents house playing uno with them at the kitchen table [and drinking endless amounts of sprite, and eating endless amounts of bugles--totally underrated snack by the way], i once laid down a 7 in uno, and exclaimed something like "yeah! 7!" because a friend of mine's favorite number was 7 and, [at the age of 7 probably] i was easily influenced by the likes and dislikes of my friends at that age. my grandmother for some reason took excessive offense to my exclamation and instead instructed me that 7s were terrible numbers, and that 13 was the lucky number [i was so foolish back then--i thought it was the other way around!].

so ever since then i cannot stand 7s.

for example, when putting ice cubes in my drinks [sidenote: i love ice cubes. as in, i like my cup almost full of ice cubes before putting the drink in it--i think i get jipped (sp?) at fast food restaurants in this respect]. at home, the size of our glasses allow for precisely 9 ice cubes. now when it comes to my ice cubes, i don't really like to use even numbers of ice cubes either. so, when filling up my glass with ice cubes, that leaves me 2 options: 5 ice cubes, or 9 ice cubes, because i don't like even numbers of ice cubes, i need the cup at least half full of ice cubes, and if i have 7 ice cubes, i will and have refused to drink my drink.

the great "however" here is that, as a lexophiliac, i really like the word seven, how it feels when is say it, and the aesthetics of the word as text as well. i hate 7 as a quantity, but love it as a word...

anyway, the point i'm really trying to make here, is that i cannot CANNOT have a quantity of 7s....it truly makes me squeamy and uncomfortable, and as the previous blogpost was my 7th post in the month of april, i had to throw in an eighth so that i can actually sleep tonight.

to be laundered:

in the spirit of glee [irrelevant, and actually a totally unrelated correlation through which to direct my post, i just couldn't help but name drop in this post--speaking of--tonight's episode was delightful...but not nearly enough kurt!], i felt the desire to list a couple of the things i really need to do with my life, well before death, but ideally before i age beyond comfortable recognition.

1. actually learn the single ladies dance.

the youtube video i have out there presently is embarassing. 10 points to the person who can find it. 10 more points if you can recite one of the comments left by creepers on the video [hint: my spandex leotard is a common theme...] beyonce don't hate me...i didn't mean to blaspheme you

2. learn to use photoshop

i've come to terms with the fact that V won't be around forever to photoshop pictures for me at my each and every whim. speaking of, the most recent project...

photoshopping me into the cali trip!

3. become photogenic

i think this is a trait you're born with, but i like to pretend it's an acquirable trait...like...that i could train for [humour me, people]

4. compete in a speed texting competition

i've been told i have particularly fast fingers on the cellular keyboard and i'd like to put these proposed skills to the test

5. solve a rubik's cube [by myself]

with these sort of things i usually let myself cheat and play off like i did it myself to make me sound like a great puzzle-solver and mathematical thinker [i don't know why i try to do this--i think it's hopelessly obvious to people that math isn't my strongsuit...or my any suit...when it comes to mathematics i may as well run naked]

6. roadtrip by myself

the number one reason this is a great idea is that it a) eliminates the need to take photos everywhere you go [no one to take them of you, especially if you are not inclined to approach random bystanders everywhere you go] & b) eliminates the inevitable awkward one-person-standing-in-front-of-something photos that come inherent with a two person road trip of the same types of people who are disinclined to approach random bystanders everywhere they go & c) while i'm not a particular kirsten dunst fan, i did like her in the film elizabethtown, and in that film, her character insisted that everyone has to take a roadtrip by themselves at some point in their lives & d) if i want to get cheesy and try to make this point have a purpose, i could say a solo roadtrip could be beneficial in "finding one's true self" [i actually gagged when i typed that it was so cheesy]

7. steal a streetsign with a cool name

stealing streetsigns is too easy. finding one with a cool name [and by cool i mean relevant to my life or a really unique word or name or something] is a true challenge

8. acquire more than 60 blog followers

i think to get this i might have to actually start blogging about something interesting

9. draft a true bucket list

work in progress...

10. explore clemson's underground tunnels

[saving that for post-graduation]

[they're actually really tight: read about them here]

i'll leave it at ten for now. more to come?

"the unbearable idea of other minds"

i got into an argument today with B over whether it was lame of me or not to blog and/or read blogs. which really got me thinking....why do i blog/ love reading others' blogs??

B argued that it was stupid of me to a) write about my life and expect people to care [to clarify i do not expect anyone to care--i write my blogposts as a primarily therapeutic function--if you do so happen to care or find my life and musings interesting, then that's an added delight!] and b) to read other people's blogs. our argument continued as follows

B: "the blogosphere [my word, not hers--i substituted it it in for clarity] is just a network of lame people writing about every stupid aspect of their life--no one cares!"

M: "then what the hell is facebook?"

B: "stupid too!"

M: "ok so you spend time on facebook i spend time blogging--what's the difference?"

B: "facebook isn't paragraphs of people's stupid stories about their lives. i don't go reading too much about some random person's life"

M: "what the hell is a status update? and what do you mean--you stalk wall-to-walls dont you?"

B: "okay i'm done i'm not gonna argue about blogging"

...and that's how it ended.

the argument was cut short by B's endearing irritability,

but my thoughts were not.

i beg to differ, B. i find blogs fascinating. i revel in the incredibility [incredible-ness?] that is the individual. i am perpetually astounded by the fact that no one person knows anything about any other person--how they think, exactly everything they've been through, experienced, said, heard, done. it's AMAZING.

one of my favorite quotes from mcewan's "atonement" says it in a way i wish i could:

"Was everyone else really as alive as she was?… Was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody, including her father, Betty, Hardman? If the answer was yes, then the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone’s thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone’s claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance."

i drown in irrelevance daily. but i don't see it as a bad thing. i am irrelevant--in the big scheme of things. but instead of being destroyed by the prospect of other minds--of just as vivid affairs as meredith-- i take the opportunity to engage in the other minds, appreciate them, marvel at them--that's why i read blogs. and that is why i blog, in the hopes that my mind might prove as equally fascinating to others, as theirs do to me.

mine

the title says it all.

on truth and lies

i want to master words.

such an impossible feat.

rereading nietzsche. it's delightful.

trying to find productive or creative outlets tonight:

-ironing

-cleaning

-homework

-laundry

-paperwork (summer job)

anything else?

anything to distract my mind right now.

other bitches just front

i'm obsessed with ffffound....it satisfies my craving for visual delights

exclusive photo sharing...what a brilliant idea

(i have a weird obsession with ampersand images)

welcome to cheraw

cheraw, south carolina, that is.

with the team away competing in virginia (don't get me started on my thoughts about that whole situation...) i agreed to go home with a teammate for easter weekend. this teammate, who, for the purpose of this post we shall call carrot, is from cheraw, sc......a southern town in the middle of nowhere (or "bum fucking egypt" as it was referred to as we drove into town). carrot "proudly" declared that cheraw was the only town sherman didn't burn down because he thought it was "the prettiest town in dixie" which i actually found to be a pretty cute fact. and surprisingly true.

now those who know me may understand my utter detestion (i dont care if thats a word or not) of the south...but cheraw is absolutely adorable. and i'm also a sucker for historical settings. for example, the cemetaries in cheraw hosting the bodies of reverends from civil war eras, and the building in the middle of town that is now a town hall building or something of the sort, but was originally the slave auction building. or the beautiful southern-style mini-mansion that still has a tunnel intact inside it that was used in the underground railroad.

The Lafayette House

cheraw, while almost depressingly small, is however about 2 hours from any carolina attraction you could think of--charlotte, raliegh, myrtle beach, charleston, columbia....all about 2 hours from cheraw. soooo while enjoying my lazy saturday in this quaint southern town...we also have multiple delightful travel options

further, carrot's very nice and accomodating family are all for including myself, and my other visiting friend, Li, in their easter festivities...which include dye-ing easter eggs and making a bunny cake..can't wait :)

spontenaity

it is moments such as these, that i wonder what my life would be like, were i a normal college student and not a student athlete. with the team in va right now, we have no practices, which means infinite amounts of time for me to do nothing....and associate with people not on my team. already in just 6 hours i've hung with soccer, rowing (remnants), and track kids....and it's shocking how stunningly social i can be when left to my own devices...

i made a checklist this morning--a list of 18 things i wanted to accomplish this weekend, from cleaning my desk (IT WAS A MESS), to cleaning my room, laundry, homework, and paperwork for my summer job. with no practice, i was strangely productive, and accomplished 10 of the 18 tasks--just in one afternoon!

so productice and delightful.

also, please don't mind the title of this post

...it was spontaneous :)